Conversation with Myself

My heart hurts!

So what?

They took him from me!

Are you surprised?

No but it still hurts. It's not fair

Life isn't fair get over it.

Aren't you hurting too? I can barely breath it hurts so! How are you doing it?

I expect the worst always. And what makes you think that we are are so special to be treated any differently than anyone in this world? You deserve this hurt.

But, I don't...

Don't what deserve this pain? Yes you do.

I don't want to be Juliet in this play called life! They took my Romeo from me just as things were perfectly imperfect and oh so sweet. How can I pretend my heart is not broken when it is?? How can I blend into society again?

That is my job. Don't you worry. You have been hurt before and it is my job to mask the pain. I am the fake smiles and laughter. I am those answers, "I'm fine. Don't worry." When you can't eat, I'll nourish you. When you can't sleep, I calm your thoughts.

Who are you?

Do you feel it? Your tears drying up? It's me. Comforting you when nobody else really cares.

What do you mean? They care.

If you say so.

Whatever. Who are you?

I am the consequence of your pain and sorrow. Some call me a wall. I grow stronger when you are in distress. I am the one who keeps your secrets and keep you closed from the world. I hide you insecurities and I hide the true you unless you command me to reveal you to the world. I am your hearts protector.

My heart is still hurting. It is not protected!

I am those thoughts of reason. The one's that help you to see that things could be worse. I make you feel like it is not the end of the world even when it feels like it.

I just want my Romeo. Why is my love gone away?

There are so many why's in life that cannot be answered. Life would not be life without tragedy.

 ..........................................

Have you nothing to say? I see the tears that brim you eyes. It pains me when they fall.

........................

More silence? Do you not have more questions? It's not often that you notice me.

Are you enjoying this!!?

No. Don't get angry. I want what is best for you.

I want him.

There's nothing I can do. I am sorry.

Life is not fair.

You already knew that. The question is. How deep is your love? Will you wait or will you let life sway you and desire control you? Will you let me convince you to let go of the pain and move on?

What!? You want me to move on?! I love him. So much.

Don't cry.But your tears are precisely why I'll try to convince you to move on. As I have said before I hate to see you cry.

I don't want to move on. I want him and only him.

Well, you will have to fight desire and me. You can't let us control you if you really want to live in pain. Desire is bothered by pain. She is pretty powerful when she lures you into the right situation. I'm warning you. I have seen you become a victim of Desire countless times. In a sense, your Romeo is a desire. Desires can change.

What are you saying? My love for him will change?

Well..

It won't. If I really love him, I will never stop. Love is pure and unconquerable.

I suppose. This "Romeo" of yours has been a... I can't find the word. Plague maybe?

He has a part of my heart. He is my soul mate. I love him beyond explanation for reasons I can't explain.

If you love him then I love him. I will protect you and your heart. I will keep others out so you will love no other. It will be difficult if your desires change.

The won't. I love him. He is all I desire.

Who Asked to Be Black?

Who asked to be black? We do not get a choice in this life.
A peaceful chaos full of strife.
You do not decide to be born. You are just born.
even though it is often hidden you live in scorn.
Can you imagine a history taught to you that your ancestors were viewed as cattle.
Seen as nothing more than a commodity, a war fought but a never ending battle.
Your skin color is pointed out on a daily, they act as if it is sin
Into a society that true equality will never win.

White people did not choose to be white. We do not get a choice in this life.
A peaceful chaos without the strife.
Can you imagine a history taught to you that your ancestors did nothing but take and betray.
See themselves as superior to all and crushed anything in their way.
To see these people of color that are no longer of good use.
We are done with them after the years of abuse.
Even if I am poor or dumb I am not in a bind
Everyday I know the world is mine.

Who asked to be black?  Would you choose to be?
A black life does not matter to the media can you not see?
 If you die, then you die.
A dog's life means more, and that is no lie.

Who asked to be white? In this world you better be.
A white life matters so much that media coverage there is no need
If you die, there will be justice and on that I can boast.
It is clear that a white's life means the most.

Who asked to be black? Not I, but I am.
I have done everything right by dear old Uncle Sam
I had no choice in the matter but I am here.
Why I am a problem, is not very clear.
I stare at my black skin and I wonder why this is an issue.
Dear Ignorance, I swear sometimes I think I miss you.
I have never killed anyone, rioted or did any real crime.
I am pretty straight laced, I have never done "time".
I have never been to Africa but apparently that is where I belong.
Just because I love music and listen to rap songs.
I have graduated high school and I am currently in college.
I was taught my manners. I have etiquette and I am quite polished.
I am very intelligent and yes, I read books.
I know that there is more to people than just their looks.
I have a child and her life matters as does mine.
Why is being black such a crime?

Who asked to be black? Not you and not me.
If I was given a choice, I would pick the same black you see.
I am proud of my history, the one the schools do not teach.
The kings and queens of the past I am proud of each.
I would choose my ancestors who were treated as cattle because out of struggle comes strength
And from that struggle my people have gone through great lengths
We are progressing. The good media never will never highlight.
We are strong and intelligent and we will rise past the skylight.
A black life does matter because you are some ones child or friend.
If not to no one else you matter to your kin.
We are not a perfect race by far but we have come a long way.
Uplift, teach and overcome but never dismay.
Do not listen to the media when they tell you that you do not matter.
While you are upset, they are at home pockets getting fatter.
Pray for yourself and the people around you.
Not just the blacks, but the white people to.
Strive to be a proud, hard-working and true.
Work hard and never take. Instill this in your children too.
You are somebody and can be anything that you want to be.
You are black for a reason, trust God, watch and see.

For my pleasure. Selfishly so.

For my pleasure. Selfishly so.
To please me alone, i am here for show.
Watch me. then sex me.
When you want me, you text me.
Do not stop until I am satisfied
Fuck me until I am teary eyed.
Make me scream with pleasure.
Strawberries and whipped cream for measure.
cuffs and whips, anything to please
Beg me, lick me, down on your knees.
I want it all and all for me.
No sharing your heart, I own the key.
Juicy dripping on your face.
Creamy goodness, have a taste.
One taste is all you need.
Your desire for me I will feed.
You will want to do what I want done to me
You will, no matter the fee.
In your heart and mind you know,
You are mine, For my pleasure, selfishly so.

I Will Protect You

I should have been writing about you instead..
but regardless you are the one who is always in my head.

A part of me. A love like no other.

You are my daughter, I am your mother.

protect you and keep you safe is what i desire.
you are the source of my fire.

You keep me preserving each day.
So that you can have dreams one day.

I will protect you until my last breath.

My Love, My, Passion, My King

So high off of love it is insane.
a love so cruel it is inhumane.

No boundaries. I am all yours.
Open to your love, no doors.

Hold me tight
sex me right..

make me forget everything but you.
take me away. rapture in blue..

calm yet, chaotic
you are my exotic narcotic..

it should be illegal

your love.

So o wrapped up in you.
It is heavenly.

you are sent from above..


it is so sweet that I can hardly bare it.
So precious I do not want to share it.

My love. My passion. My king.
If its not with you it means nothing,

Where are You Tonight

Where are you tonight, I wonder.
So close to being complete that my heart ponders...

Come back to heaven where you belong.
I am so wrapped up in you...I think about you all night long.

I am afraid when you are not near.
Losing you, a deep fear...

I just want your love, forever.
Now.. until forever.

You.. you have no idea what you do to me.

Euphoria

eu.pho.ria.
so intense, because of you.

I desire you.
I crave you.

I thought it only felt good when it was brand new.

4 years pass, you are my fetish. My guilty pleasure.

I want nothing more than to give you pleasure.
Your wish is my command.

To touch you. to lick you, to make you gasp with satisfaction.
To stimulate your mind and make you feel as beautiful as your heart.

I want to master the art of loving you.
I want to hear the sweet love sounds.
I go after what I crave. I want you.
I hold my breath. You breath faster.
I come down harder. You match my rhythm.
I could careless for mine. I am here only to please.
I watch as you shut your eyes.
The sign I was waiting for.
I know you are close.
What I crave the most is almost here.
I can tell you are holding back.
I lean forward and in your ear I whisper, "For me, please"
You let go and I catch you.
I have what I desire.
eu.pho.ria

Would I Have It Any Other Way?

I wonder would I have it any other way.
A love less passionate, less intense, less painful.

a lesser love?

Would I want that. Simplicity.
would I be okay with that?
This is the only love that feels this way.

When it is bad, it is the worst.
When it is good, it is heaven.
The amazing. Complete happiness.
It is dangerous to feel this good.

I am addicted, but would I have it any other way?

Do You Know What You Do to Me?

Do you even know what you do to me?
Do you know that you take my breath away ...
If I could I would never let go of you. 

How do you do it? What did you do to me that first night?
Was it then when my heart became yours?
Was that when "mine" became "ours"?

I did not trust the feeling that I had never felt before.
I should have but I couldn't.
I was not suppose to.

Life blessed me with a love that I want nothing more than to share with you.
You do not want it.
I have wondered why, but I think you cannot see it. 

Do you even know what I see when I look at you?
No words could explain.

What will I do if you ever go away... and I know you cannot come back,

Do you even know what you mean to me?
A part of me belongs to you that I can never get back.
It is yours.

You awoke something in me I never knew I had.

When you touch me.. I melt.
My body erupts with desire
when your lips meet mine, One kiss can set my soul afire.

Do you know what you do to me...?

You...

You make me feel so captivated and enthralled in your very essence.
 Even though I smell the scent of another woman on you.
 I am still wanting to be raptured away by you.
You do not think of me how I think of you.
Dream of me as I do of you.
I'm in love.. You, you are in what? I am not sure. I
 just want to scream the feeling is overwhelming.
 No matter what you have done, I still yearn for you.
One glance upon your face and I forget everything except for love.
A love so deep it hurts to know its not returned.
I think about it often.
I want nobody else.
I want others to be you then maybe I could spend more time with you.
We never spend time.
You do not understand because if you did, you would be right here next to me and content.
Unobtainable but right in my hand. I have you but I do not.
No one does.
We all want you.
 You do not believe love is possible.
Is it my fault. I know I am not the only one.
How could I be with an attraction so strong?
Look at you.
How could I be the only one in love with you?
 It can not be possible.
You will never know the feeling because you do not see yourself through my eyes.
I say I love you.
You say I only think that I do.
I just want to love you and lay beside you.
I want you to love me back.

I Will be Though

Alone with a piece of me. Music going in and out. I miss him.
Too much of a good thing is makes the bad times slim.
Inside my head
I sometimes lose touch.
I forget that I am lost.
I like to think that I know exactly where I am and what I want.
I don't though.

I'm not good at this.
Life.
Parenthood.
Everything.
Nothing.

I will be though. Just watch and see.

-Jcie